Sorry, Not Sorry And This Is Why

With the recent marriage of my daughter, some things have really come to my attention.

Now, I’ve always made it a point to keep it real here, even if the topic is uncomfortable or my opinion isn’t necessarily the popular one. So, I’m going to apologize now if you disagree with what I’m about to say. However, I am not apologizing for saying it.

Hence the title.

Sorry, not sorry.

I’m a strong believer in agreeing to disagree. After all, we are all different. We have different experiences, different relationships, different beliefs, and different opinions. And you know what? That is perfectly acceptable.

So here it goes.

I absolutely cringe when I hear someone say:

“Marriage is hard.”

There. I said it.

Now before anyone starts coming for me, hear me out.

I have been with my husband for 37 years, 31 of which we have been married. Are we perfect? Absolutely not. Is our marriage perfect? Nope.

But it’s pretty damn perfectly imperfect as far as I’m concerned.

Are we some kind of anomaly? I don’t think so.

So, what’s the key?

We are a team.

Life Is Hard

Life has certainly been no exception for us. We have had our ups and downs and plenty of curveballs thrown our way.

We’ve been young and naive and learned as we went. We navigated raising three kids. We’ve had jobs and lost jobs. We’ve been broke. And I don’t mean we should probably eat at home this weekend broke.

I mean broke broke.

We’ve taken fun family vacations and had amazing adventures. We’ve juggled jobs, kids, schedules, bills, responsibilities, and all the other crap that comes along with being an adult.

We’ve spent wonderful quality time together and difficult times apart.

We’ve dealt with health issues and stress. We’ve been completely on the same page, and we’ve disagreed. We’ve supported one another’s dreams, changed plans, made new plans, and dreamed about what our future might look like.

We’ve laughed together.

We’ve cried together.

We’ve probably annoyed the hell out of each other more times than either of us could count.

But through all of it, we did it together.

That’s why I have such a hard time with the statement that marriage is hard.

Life is hard.

Life can be a real bitch sometimes.

But I don’t believe your marriage should be the thing making it harder.

Your marriage should be the place you land when life gets hard. Your spouse should be the person standing next to you looking at whatever mess life just dropped in your lap and saying, “Okay. How are we going to handle this?”

Not, “Good luck with that.”

Maybe that’s where my opinion becomes controversial, but I believe that if you are with the right person, marriage itself shouldn’t feel like a constant battle.

Does it require effort? Of course.

Do you have to be intentional about it? Absolutely.

Will you disagree? Yep.

Will there be times when you want to strangle each other over something completely ridiculous?

I’m pleading the fifth on that one.

But there is a difference between putting effort into a relationship and constantly fighting to make a relationship work.

At least, that’s how I see it.

My Three Cs

I firmly believe in what I call my rule of the three Cs:

Communication. Compromise. Connection.

I’m in no way a marriage counselor, relationship expert, therapist, or anything else that would give me professional credentials here.

I’m simply a woman who has spent 37 years loving the same man.

Take that for whatever it’s worth.

But these three things have never let us down.

Communication means actually talking to each other.

And, equally important, listening.

Your spouse shouldn’t have to guess what’s bothering you, what you need, or what you’re thinking. We aren’t mind readers. If something is wrong, say it. If you need something, ask. If you’re happy, say that too.

Talk about the big things.

Talk about the little things.

Talk about the stupid things.

Just keep talking.

Then there’s compromise.

You are two different people. You aren’t always going to want the same things or see things exactly the same way.

That doesn’t mean one person always gives in.

It means sometimes I bend. Sometimes he bends. Sometimes we both bend.

And sometimes we both realize the thing we were arguing about really wasn’t that important to begin with.

Finally, there’s connection.

This one might be the easiest to lose when life gets busy.

Kids need you. Jobs need you. The house needs something. Somebody has an appointment. There are bills to pay, errands to run, laundry multiplying somewhere in the dark, and approximately 4,763 other things demanding your attention.

It becomes really easy to become roommates managing a household instead of two people who actually enjoy being together.

So stay connected.

Laugh together. Go somewhere together. Sit on the couch and watch something stupid together. Take the trip. Have the conversation. Hold hands. Flirt with each other. Remember why you chose this person in the first place.

Because when you have communication, compromise, and connection, I truly believe you can tackle just about anything life throws at you.

Together.

“Marriage Is Hard”

Which brings me back to my daughter.

She just got married, and I cannot tell you how many times someone has said something along the lines of:

“I wish them the best of luck. Marriage is hard.”

I smile.

I thank them.

And I bite my tongue.

Because what I want to say is, “No. Life is hard. Their marriage doesn’t have to be.”

They have been together for ten years. They have grown up together in a lot of ways. They’ve already experienced challenges. They’ve had to communicate, compromise, support one another, and figure things out together.

And throughout those years, we have tried our best to set a good example for them.

Not a perfect example.

A real one.

They know we disagree. They know life hasn’t always been sunshine and rainbows. They’ve watched us struggle through difficult seasons.

But hopefully, they have also watched us choose each other through all of them.

Their life together is going to have challenges. Of course it is.

But I hope their marriage is the thing that makes those challenges a little easier to carry.

And Then Come the Grandkids

Now for the other statement that has been driving me crazy.

Someone finds out my daughter just got married, and almost immediately comes:

“So, are you ready for grandkids?”

Why?

Why do we automatically jump from wedding cake to baby shower?

I have absolutely no issue with grandkids. I will be overjoyed if and when that day comes.

But why do people automatically assume that because two people got married, they are immediately going to start popping out babies?

Do we all need a lesson in reproduction?

Marriage does not automatically start a family.

Believe it or not, they could have started a family before they got married if that’s what they wanted to do.

I know.

Shocker.

Sorry for the sarcasm, but the number of people who have asked me this is crazy.

They’ve been together for ten years. They’ve lived together for more than two. We are all aware of how this works.

They didn’t get pregnant before the wedding, and exchanging vows didn’t suddenly activate some mysterious baby-making switch.

More importantly, it’s their decision.

Not mine.

Not our family’s.

And certainly not some random person making conversation.

Maybe they will have children. Maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll have them soon. Maybe they’ll wait years.

Whatever they decide is their business.

Some people have children and never get married. Some get married and decide not to have children. Some desperately want children and struggle to have them. Some are undecided.

And honestly, that’s another reason I think we should stop automatically asking newlyweds when they’re having babies.

You never really know what’s happening behind closed doors.

Let Them Write Their Own Story

I don’t want this to come across as negative because I am incredibly excited about this next chapter in my daughter’s life.

And yes, someday I would love to add some human grandbabies to my already very loved collection of fur grandbabies.

I have plenty of love waiting for them if that day comes.

But right now?

I want my daughter and her husband to enjoy being married.

I want them to travel if they want to travel. Build careers. Chase dreams. Buy things they probably don’t need. Stay up too late. Sleep in on Sundays. Make mistakes. Create traditions. Laugh until their stomachs hurt. Figure out who they are as a married couple.

I want them to build their life.

Not the life everyone else thinks they should have.

And maybe that’s really what all of this comes down to.

We spend way too much time telling other people what their relationships, marriages, and families are supposed to look like.

Marriage is hard.

When are you buying a house?

When are you having a baby?

When are you having another one?

Why don’t you have kids?

Why aren’t you married yet?

There always seems to be a next box we expect people to check.

Maybe we should stop.

Maybe instead of warning newlyweds that marriage is hard, we should tell them to keep choosing each other when life gets hard.

Maybe instead of asking when the babies are coming, we should ask what adventures they’re looking forward to.

And maybe we should trust people to create a life that makes sense for them, even if it looks different from the one we chose for ourselves.

As for me, I’ll keep believing in my three Cs.

Communication. Compromise. Connection.

Thirty-seven years in, they seem to be working pretty damn well.

And if you disagree?

That’s okay.

We can agree to disagree.

Sorry, not sorry.